V-day tips for men…

Feb 14, 09 V-day tips for men…
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There’s an old saying… or maybe it’s a scientific fact.  Either way, “they” say that if there was a nuclear war the animal most fit to survive would be the cockroach.  Well… I guess I’m the cockroach of “the Great Recession.”  I’ve been scavenging for so long I never even bothered to look up and see the mushroom cloud.

So the assumption on your part is probably that since I’m a broke writer/pizza delivery dude, I’m not so great with the ladies.

Well Assumptions have once again made an Ass out of you.  In actuality New Orleans might be the greatest place in the world to date for cheap.  And I mean legitimately dating.  I’ve had company which required no money except for the 5 for a dollar tea candles and a Smirnoff Ice.

But I’m not even factoring those lucky women in to the dating equation.  But in spite of the cost effectiveness of New Orleans you still got to have a couple of things at your disposal.

First is cajones.  It’s a pretty audacious thing to ask a woman out knowing that you’re broke.  Here’s why this one is easy though.  Women like dudes who come up with stuff.

They would probably be content most times to go dinner and movie-ing, but if you can conjure something up they’re all about it.

The other thing you got to have is a mouthpiece.  For those of you not up on your colloquial game that means you got to be a good talker.  Not necessarily a smooth one although that helps, just able to carry things with your words so she doesn’t realize you haven’t spent any money.  I have gone incredible stretches of dating and spending close to nothing.

I know you guys are probably here because you’re big into statistics and stuff, but I don’t really have too many numbers at my disposal.  I wish I could look back and put a dollar amount to some of these spurts.

This isn’t even about being broke as much as it is a precautionary measure.  I try to practice not spending money on women until they prove they deserve to be spent on.  And if you are spending try to make it alcohol.

There was one week last year where I think I went on 3 dates with 3 different women and spent less than 20 bucks total.  Two of the dates aren’t so interesting to relive.  One of them ended well, but getting into too many details about the backseat of my car might be too romantic even for Valentine’s Day.  I will say this though, Frenchman Street in New Orleans is the place to be if you don’t wanna spend money and still get entertained.

Back to back dates at Café Negril and I think the bartender must have thought I was the second coming of Billy Dee.  I would like the drinks to have been cheaper, but you can’t win em all. The good thing was I was only buying their drinks because I happen to carry a trusty flask full of Crown Royal when it’s time to be social.  All you have to do then is just push the old audacity button I spoke of earlier and order a cranberry juice on the rocks. One dollar later and I’m in Crown heaven.

So in New Orleans we have a delightful treat called a snowball. It’s pretty much Kool-aid with extra sugar and ice shavings and yes it tastes as good as that sounds.  I’m not that big of a fan of Snowballs anymore.  Me being the frugal guy I am have taken a liking to Sonic’s Lemon-Berry slushees.  They’re about half the price but twice the size and they’re more tart than it is sweet which is up my alley.  But… for dating purposes the Snowball is way classier.

So anyway, this particular date did not end up in the backseat… but it was kind of magnificent.  I invite this girl to meet me for snowballs.  I actually offered to pick her up but it was a first date and I think she was still trying to be cautious.

We inadvertently meet there before the snowball stand opens.  When it opens we’re near the front of the line and it’s fairly crowded.  We both get our Snowballs, and I’m getting ready to pay when I realize the little money I did have was sitting at my house.

She says she only has a debit card.  So the woman asks if she gives us the snowballs will we bring the money back?  She says no… I say I’d be happy to bring it back tomorrow, but I’m not driving to New Orleans East so I can pay for snowballs.  So she just tells us to go ahead and take them because all the people behind us are waiting, meaning this date ended up costing, free.  And that, ladies and gentleman, is what we like to call BONUS!

All you math guys sitting there sweating the numbers. It’s science my man…. Plain old survival of the fittest.  Next time you’re about to meet someone for a date… Be the cockroach!

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  1. Hilarious! With this Yoda-esque ability to stretch a dollar, you should be running the economy. And if you got a free snowball and the girl with the wallet-at-home play, then you should negotiate all treaties. Great post!

  2. S. Tae Lauder /

    Here’s the question: are you still dating that girl? Recession or not, that whole I-left-my-wallet-at-home line would’ve left a bad taste in my mouth…and as delicious as those snowballs are, that syrupy sweetness STILL would not have cured it.

    At any rate, the snowball idea is a great dating option. And for the man that wouldn’t mind spending a little more, why not a picnic at a free venue like the park? I’m unsure of the status of the parks in New Orleans right now, but if you set a $20 limit, you can go to the grocery store and pick up french bread, luncheon meat, sparkling grape juice, etc. You can wine and dine your lady friend for V-Day or any other day and then brown bag it for the week with the leftovers. You get ambience and creativity points, perhaps, while saving money on those common lunchtime splurges at the office.

    Just a thought.

  3. or you could just buy the woman a NOYO shirt.. for Christmas. right? and dont buy her anything until .. NEXT Christmas.
    or maybe her birthday.
    i mean. EVERY single time she leaves the house.
    wearing that shirt..
    she’ll get noticed.. and she will have you to thank.. and she’ll forget about the fact that she doesn’t have a V day present. .

  4. A. New Leaf /

    LMAO… This should be a crime!

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